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Fate’s Game

Tash Curry shares an original piece of fiction 'Fate's Game', in loving memory of Robert Curry 1925-2015.

BY Tash J Curry

“I want people to tell their children terrifying stories about the things we did for love.” – unknown

This story your about to read is somewhat true; some, however, is just a figment of my imagination for my heart’s desire. But my dear reader I will let you figure out what you believe is real and what is Fate’s illusion.

This my dear is for you, in this story amongst the pages are all the words I never had to courage to stay, all the things I was never able to do. This is my apology, our epilogue, and this is the only way I can let this go. Maybe I should let you go, you’re a ghost in my past still haunting me. I just want you to know despite everything we went through, none of this was your fault, we hurt and healed. We were just kids in love, and we lost ourselves in each other, to only then seek one another in other hearts, years later. I let myself dwell in sadness and my heartbreak because it was easier than moving on, as a writer, I do that more than most. We inflict pain on other hearts because we think its fair because we’re the ones hurting because our hearts are the ones that are too heavy. I don’t blame you for making me cold and bitter darling. I did that to myself. In time I started to let people back in, things happened, and people change, that’s the beauty of life. And when I find that love again, I will hold onto it with everything I am, everything I was, everything that I will become. If that love destroys me so be it, I’ll let it burn through me, and seep through the parts of me that are broken, all that’s too soft, weak. But it’s because of you I changed, I wanted to live this life to its fullest without holding my heart too close to my chest. I choose to be courageous, to be open, to feel, to hurt, and to be human. This time I chose to love myself first.

But I need you to understand something, I wrote this because words can breathe better than I can, that talking requires breath, and there are certain feelings, memories I’d rather forget than keep. I write because it’s easier it hurts less than you do. You were meant to read these words. Our story ended years ago, then why are you still here? Why am I still rewriting us? I feel like my love for you will be in every book, every sentence, every word of this hopeless man’s hopeless dream. You, my dear, are every writer’s tragedy. You were my hardest ‘almost’, etched into every word I will ever write.  You know our story, the way we ended, please tell her this isn’t a letter of lost love but a eulogy, for the beautiful thing we could have become before the decay caught up to us before it rotted the love in our hearts until there was nothing left. I know I shouldn’t send this letter and I guess somethings are better left unsaid, but please.. just tell her I’m sorry I had to kill us this way.

 

Prologue

History only repeats itself if you don’t learn.

I took one last look at her just to see her face, for the way she smiled but now there was blood on her lips. I was too late; she would usually have had some witty remark to throw at me, like what took you so long, I’ve been waiting here for hours, she didn’t even roll her eyes when I caught her body from hitting the cold hard floor. There was too much blood pouring from her chest; I looked for the way her eyes would light up when she saw me. But now the colour was draining from her face. Her eyes grew dark. The spark once there had gone. There was no spark left. Nothing. Her eyes were fluttering; she couldn’t keep them open. Seeing her like this broke my heart, and I couldn’t take her pain nor my own. Fate was taking her from me. I couldn’t even fight it. It was out of my control. Her hand was losing its grip on mine. I should have done something, anything to keep her with me.

When I was younger, my mum told me that we are put on this earth to learn a lesson, simple right? That one thought, my mum’s voice in my head, it haunts me, especially this ‘sometimes history repeats itself, son. Only if you don’t learn‘. But I guess in my case sometimes even then Fate conspires against you. Over the years my mum taught me many things like if you liked someone, wait. Or so I’ve been told. But I guess as you’d know waiting is one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do, because its obvious human nature, humans have this impulse to go after what you want. That why he did what he did, Fate knew I wanted you, he planned this right for the beginning. He wanted us to meet, to fall in love. We came from completely different worlds; we should never have worked we were too different yet somewhere in our story with you I found peace. When we first met, I was completely drawn to you. There was just something about you I couldn’t get out of my head, and I still can’t. I know all this is a part of his game, I don’t trust what Fate has planned for me, but all I’m sure of is that I can’t lose the way I feel about you.

Photo by @aarondnbb

For a long time, I was lost, and then you came and reawakened my soul. As I clutched your hand in mine, I could feel your heartbeat slowing down, I’m scared on this December night I will lose you, and I will lose myself to Fate. He warned me once I shouldn’t love someone I can’t have, he knows that’s how to break my heart. He knows I did not deserve your love in the first place, I know you’d disagree with me but darling you deserved so much more than me. This was the lesson my mum warned me about, and it was you. I don’t know if you’d call this fate or density, but I know we’re going to be together, that this can’t be the end of our story. Sometimes it’s still hard to see past the fading memories, and the fleeting feelings that I fear will never go away, nor do I want them to. I’m sorry love for this heart of mine no longer beats. Fate is playing a risky game. He will break so many hearts. He won’t care until he breaks hers. He’s winning, and I’m losing her.

I kissed her blood-stained lips, they tasted like fate and promised that not even we could keep; our love slipped through our fingers. It was one of those stories where two young lovers found a love higher than life itself. But in all great stories, what they didn’t realise was life is cruel, unforgiving and Fate was not kind. I’m sorry darling we were never meant to last, you the betrayer and I a fool who thought I could overcome Fate. I watched as the darkness consume you and tear you apart; I watched as the light went out from your eyes, the constellations dying. There are too many hearts that are fading. My heart is beating out my chest, hands shaking. I’ve fallen so far into his game; I can’t find a way out. I know I will hit the floor and my heart will shatter, and hers will stop and so will mind. Two hearts broke that cold December night. I guess I didn’t learn my lesson, did I love?

As the sun started to fade and the sky darkening, the seasons were changing. Time was running out. The only thought on my mind as the snow began to fall was would I wither without her? I remembered as I took her hand and held it like I used to, tears falling, I couldn’t speak. I was choking out her name like it was poison on my lips, I couldn’t save her. All I could do was watch as the one I loved lay lifeless in my arms. I watched as my love faded into the night until she was gone. It kind of rips your heart out, those fading memories that in time you will be left with nothing.  In biology class we were taught that skins cells take up to 35 days to replace themselves, so one day I’ll be left with a whole new body that she’s never touched, and my skin won’t feel on fire anymore from the ignite of her kiss. Her scars will be gone, whereas I will be left with the haunting memories. I don’t know if I’m comforted or terrified that one day I will have a body that you haven’t touched. I don’t know if I should be happy that she will leave me alone forever or be angry that she will always find a way to leave, that she could never stay. That in this universe our fate was our undoing. Truth be told I don’t know how I should feel when a person leaves you. All I know is that it hurts, that I don’t think it’ll shake that feeling. Our memories will fade, and scars will heal, you will be gone, and I will still be here without you wondering what the hell to do with my broken heart. My scars are open wounds. The worse part wasn’t the broken heart; it was what followed, it wasn’t even the fleeting moments, the flashbacks. It’s the fading memories that you can’t seem to hold onto, even though you try to hold onto that feeling, just for a little longer.

Sometimes I still feel your hand in mine, the feeling of you in my arms. I vaguely remember the sound of my name on your lips, that one smile you reserved for me, that twinkle in your eye. Somedays are harder than most, those moments, those feelings are slowly fading, there an echo of a memory. I can’t remember our last kiss, the way it felt on my lips. The way you whispered ‘i love you’, the little things like the sound of your laugh. I can’t even rewrite them. It’s those adding memories I wish for them all back, just to relive them, to be able to write them down. Just to hold onto, I wished you stayed because then the heartache meant you were still here with me, and not like this. I think there’s only a few memories I’ll always remember, like this one. One day someone will remember us, maybe in another lifetime, one where we were better for each other, kinder. A lifetime where fate never turn us against each other as he did in this one. I hope we will be somewhere better than this, better than our fate. It was in a story like this where these two star-crossed lovers loved one another, they did. They truly, turn did, with everything they had. But Fate made them believe that their love wasn’t enough, and the tragedy was with love like that, which could have been the one thing that saved them.

I’m sorry for all the things I never did, all I never said. All the things you never heard. I wished I told you that you made me happy, that you made me a better person, that I would love you till the day I die. I would have meant every word. I’m so sorry darling there is no other ending to this story, our story was one of many. The one I will always hold onto.